I am facing a challenge I never, ever thought I’d have to deal with. Anger. Rage, even.
Throughout life I’ve always been the calm one. Back at school when I was a kid, you know why I wasn’t actively picked on? There was no fun in teasing me. They couldn’t make me angry. I was that girl with the fuse so long that few had ever seen her go off in an actual fit of rage.
Apart from mom, of course. But what kid doesn’t at times fight with its parent? Mom saw angry me, but no one else. And that anger passed quickly, anyway. Of course my mother is still capable of making my blood boil but it is still… loving. Dad-in-law also have a tendency of making me angry (are you reading this, dad-in-law?) but it’s the same there, it’s still family, it’s still to a backdrop of love and care.
These past few weeks, months even, my mood has gotten worse than ever. I’m not talking moodswings, I’m talking anger. The diplomatic Fny has gone away and been replaced by the Fny that wants to bring out the shotgun when people say stupid things.
The one issue, that it all stems from, is also the one that upsets me the most. I am angry, no FURIOUS, at the fertility clinic for letting us wait, and wait, and wait. I am angry for the way we’ve been treated, I am angry for the lack of communication, and most of all I am angry at their insinuations that I would be a bad parent because of my previous depressions. As long as they keep us waiting, not even having the decency of giving us a straight answer, my anger is just growing. It has reached the point where it hurts, it physically hurts inside my chest, and I am experiencing an aggressive side of myself that I didn’t really think I had.
Fuck whoever gets between me and my child. Even if the child doesn’t exist yet.
I didn’t decide to write this in order to complain about our situation, though. I am writing this to marvel at this new, terrible challenge I find myself facing.
How the hell do I handle prolonged anger? I was always so calm, I barely ever got mad and when I did it was for a short while only, so I have never before needed to handle my own anger.
Even telling myself that I need to let it go and calm down has my inner beast snapping and snarling. “All will be well if those BASTARDS just stop treating us like crap and give us the treatment we are entitled to!” angry me yells. Angry me doesn’t want to let go of the anger either, because that somehow feels like accepting the situation. And this is one situation I do not want to accept! This is needless pain, needless waiting, they are putting us through, and why should I accept that?!
Well no. I shouldn’t accept that. But I do need to manage letting go of the anger somehow. Because this hurts. It hurts when I wake up, it hurts when I’m on the bus and my mind wanders, it hurts when I’m trying to sleep. And the longer this takes… Well, it has already been going on for many months. It looks as though the fertility clinic will drag it out even longer too, if they ever do decide on helping us it’ll probably not be until next year. Or who knows, maybe the year after, all they need to is keep ignoring us. And I can’t stay angry that long. Even though I am entitled to be angry at the way they are treating us, I know it’s not really healthy, and in the end will do me no good. It probably doesn’t make me too pleasant to be around either, when the mood really hits.
So… there you have it. I don’t want to say “anger management” because that only makes me think of Charlie Sheen, and by the Gods this issue is a new one to me. What on earth do I do?
Now if you’ll excuse me… I am going to let out some steam by killing zombies in a video game.