I don’t understand. Why? Why put me through this pain?
You know why.
Yes. No. No.
It is all… Pointless attempts to find purpose in pain. To find meaning in suffering. A desperate search to understand why.
That is not an answer.
Stop that! I am the one asking questions here! I am the one in pain!
You asked to understand. I am helping you understand.
No. No, I don’t believe it.
It doesn’t matter.
See, now I’m crying again. It pains me so, it tears me apart, it is crushing what little hope I had. What am I but wasted potential? Nothing, I am nothing. I am worthless. Wasted potential. Did I even ever have potential? No, that is probably foolish of me to believe. I am simply waste.
Half an hour ago I was writing that above. Writing, crying, hurting, until a noise distracted me. From the chimney, a frantic scraping.
“Darling… Sounds like there’s something in the chimney.”
Husband: “Huh? No, that’s not possible. There’s a grid in the way to keep birds from falling in.”
“Uhm… No, there is definitely something in there.”
Husband set his ear against the chimney and listened for a second. “… yes.”
“I bet it’s the blackbird.”
Of course it was a blackbird. Not the female that has been constantly pushing for attention the last week, but a smaller male. Stuck deep down in the chimney until I managed to open the insides of the fireplace and could reach in to grab it.
Terrified of course, the poor thing. But it seemed entirely unharmed. We snapped a picture and then let it fly.
Enough with the crying. Back to work.