I don’t understand it either

Is there such a thing as destiny? A future set in stone. A path we can not change?


There is no answer, because the question is flawed. We don’t know what we are asking. And even if we did know, we lack the language to describe it.


Yes, the future is set. It already exists, just as how the past never stopped existing.  But the same is true for us. We exist beyond this point in time. We are more.


Without understanding who we truly are, we can not understand how we affect the future. How we affect the world. Our place in the greater existence.


Is there such a thing as destiny? Asking without understanding the question brings only answers without meaning. Yes. No. Both. Neither. None of the above. All of the above.


The good news is you don’t have to understand it. So carry on!


Try and try again

I have tried to write this blog post for several days now, but always ended up deleting it. Let’s see if this time is any different… Fingers crossed!



*deletes and starts over*



Fuck. Right. What am I actually trying to say?

Yeah, that’s a good question.



*deletes and starts over*



I am coming to realize certain things. About myself, about my flaws and imperfections, about my mistakes. It is not particularly pleasant.


At the moment I feel like a child, being told by a gentle guiding voice what to do. That voice, is it my own inner self speaking or is it from beyond me? I have no clue, and I don’t actually think it matters much.


Like a stubborn child I hear what is said and I know what I’m supposed to do, but I dunwanna! I kick and cry at the hand that feeds me, refusing to accept. Refusing to learn. But at the same time I know. I know.


It is painful to face ones own flaws. But in order to correct anything, one must first identify the mistake.


Pride be damned, part of me must break in order to grow.





It’s Spinning

Spinning, spinning, it’s spinning.



Try to step off the ride.

Try to not get caught in the spin.

When you run with the raging whirlwind

reality gets blurred and

even clear minds and good hearts

get caught in Twisted Visions.


Try to step outside.

It is the only way to see

what really is.


Past and Present

I’ve always said it: There is no difference between people then and people now. We shouldn’t look at ages past as distant, at our ancestors as somehow less evolved, for in the ways that truly matter we are the same.

I’ve always said it, but it’s not until now that I think I understand it.


It’s funny, that difference between knowledge and understanding. As long as you only have the former you don’t actually see that you lack the latter. Only when the understanding strikes do you see what you were missing.


Who goes out in search of something they think they already have?

Knowledge is deceptive that way.


On the other hand, knowledge is easier to pass on. Understanding though? No words can cover it, it has to be felt.


Times have changed, and at the same time they haven’t. People are the same. We are the same. We haven’t changed. No matter how many times I write that, how many different wordings I choose, it still doesn’t fully convey what I mean to say.


Think of what our ancestors, the people of times long gone, lived through. They lived through war, famine, sickness, misery. And still, they also saw joy. They still saw love, and hope. They persevered.

So will we.

The Physical, Mental and Spiritual Puzzle

Some would say that depression and other states of mental illness or lack of well being encourages spiritual interests. That the worse off you are the more likely you are to flee from reality, flee into fantasy and imagined spiritual experiences – key word there being “imagined”, as opposed to something real.

In my experience that is the case – and at the same time it is not. I can not speak for anyone else, but here is how it seems to be in my case.

When my mental and emotional well being suffers my mind flees into fantasy and imagination while my body turns tight. Muscles turn tense and I grow sick more easily. At this point my spiritual connection grows weaker, it is like fumbling in the dark for something I know is there but I can not find.

As my emotional and mental well being improves the spiritual connection does as well. My body relaxes and my physical health improves. I no longer fumble in the darkness but see, and hear, what is.

The spiritual connection is not an escape from reality. The spiritual connection is reality. When I am worse off fantasy takes its place and pretty as though it may be, it is not real.

I am not saying that one can not have genuine spiritual experiences if suffering from mental illness – I am merely describing what seems to be my truth. It is also not a simple yes/no question, but rather is a matter of difficulty. The worse off I am the harder it is to get a connection. The higher my well being is, the easier it is.

Where am I now?

I am on the edge. My body has turned tense already and I am having trouble even sinking into the simplest meditation. My connection with the beyond is blurred, a bit like trying to find the right frequency on a radio but getting only static.

It’s alright. I’ve been through this before and by now I can see rather clearly what happens within myself. The connection to the beyond may suffer but my ability to analyse and understand does not. If anything the development only confirms what I already had figured out. Hard learned lessons should be valued, not shunned. Difficult as it may be, the result is still growth and development. So, I am not sad. Not afraid. It’ll be alright.



But what is the nothing? Part II

“But… what?!”

You know that blog post I wrote this morning? The husband read it moments after it was published, with confusion.

“But no, it’s wrong!” he said. “It’s not empty in between the stars. It’s not nothing.”

My physicist husband flailed his arms widely.

“It’s not empty!”

“I know!” I responded with equally flailing arms.

“It’s not empty, not even in between atoms it’s empty! It’s just more spread out! Imagine the universe as a gas, that’s just not as dense in between…”

“I know!”

“So what’s the problem?!”

“You don’t understand the question either, don’t you?”

“But it’s not empty!”

“I know! That’s not the point!”

He looked at me with confusion. We both flailed our arms.

“Not even adult you can formulate the question so that it’s understood!” he blurted out in a loud accusation.