Hurting

I ¬†am not doing great. It is Friday and I should be happy for the upcoming weekend, for the summer warmth and for the chance to simply hang out with my husband. To enjoy the garden, cuddle the cats, keep writing, keep working on that embroidery too that I’m so proud of.

 

Instead I just hurt. I cry. I do my job but without pleasure, with every minute stretching out to last an hour.

 

By necessity I am trying to face and accept the possibility that we won’t ever have a child. Wondering when to say stop, when to give up, when to decide that it won’t happen. But that acceptance does not come easy. The questions hover over me like a dark cloud, blocking out the sun.

 

I’m not doing great. It hurts, badly.

Perhaps

All this time I have been longing for children.

All this time we have struggled, and hoped, and cried without use.

Again and again have we had hope torn away.

Again and again have I felt as though

life itself deems me unfit,

a failure,

useless.

 

Perhaps I am not meant to be a mother.

Perhaps that pain is one I can not escape

but one I am meant to embrace.

 

Perhaps it is not meant to be.

Pain Within

The new year has begun and it is painful.

My chest hurts.

No matter how deep I breathe it still doesn’t feel as though I am getting enough air.

My eyes have trouble focusing.

My appetite is gone.

My balance is off and I feel faint.

My head is empty and at the same time whirling with panic stricken words.

I cry, and cry, and cry.

 

 

I understand those who end up cutting themselves. Physical pain would come as a relief in comparison. The only reason why I am not hurting myself as a form of distraction is that I know, on an intellectual level, that it’s not the answer. But the urge is there, the wish to escape the swamp of emotional hell by any means possible.

 

Yes, I am having bad days.

 

But yes, it’ll get better.

The Morning After

So far so good, the procedure yesterday went well! I got enough morphine to be comfortable so the dreaded pain wasn’t so bad at all, doctors and nurses were awesome and great at making us feel welcome, and a grand total of sixteen eggs were sucked out of me. So yay!

Once home the day turned less pleasant, when the meds wore off I was left with a horribly sore tummy and what’s worse – horrible nausea that stayed with me aaaaaaaall day. Not sure if that was due to yesterday’s procedure, or is a side effect of the hormone treatment that lead up to it.It was unpleasant either way and I hope today will be better!

Now we wait to see how it all went. Friday is the big day so I will likely be updating you then on any news. Until then I am going to try and stifle the nausea, forget the soreness, keep writing, keep working, and hope for the best.

I feel hopeful!

20160907_062411
The Morning After, a beautiful new day

 

 

 

Let’s get personal for a moment

Very personal, even.

In half an hour I am heading for the hospital along with the husband. There I am going to be put into fancy hospital clothes, they will put a needle in my arm and will give me sedatives and morphine.

Then they will stick a big ass needle through my lady parts and try to suck all the eggs out.

Ouch.

I am both excited and terrified at the same time. This is it, this is finally it. I’ve been on hormone treatment for almost three weeks now and finally they’ve now decided that it’s time. Needle time.

Once they have sucked all the tiny eggs out of me the lab will work their magic, putting them together with the husband’s even tinier swimmers to see what happens.

If all goes well the start of a new life will be put back inside me in a few days.

 

 

Wish us luck, friends. It’s an important week!