I am not doing great. It is Friday and I should be happy for the upcoming weekend, for the summer warmth and for the chance to simply hang out with my husband. To enjoy the garden, cuddle the cats, keep writing, keep working on that embroidery too that I’m so proud of.
Instead I just hurt. I cry. I do my job but without pleasure, with every minute stretching out to last an hour.
By necessity I am trying to face and accept the possibility that we won’t ever have a child. Wondering when to say stop, when to give up, when to decide that it won’t happen. But that acceptance does not come easy. The questions hover over me like a dark cloud, blocking out the sun.
No matter how deep I breathe it still doesn’t feel as though I am getting enough air.
My eyes have trouble focusing.
My appetite is gone.
My balance is off and I feel faint.
My head is empty and at the same time whirling with panic stricken words.
I cry, and cry, and cry.
I understand those who end up cutting themselves. Physical pain would come as a relief in comparison. The only reason why I am not hurting myself as a form of distraction is that I know, on an intellectual level, that it’s not the answer. But the urge is there, the wish to escape the swamp of emotional hell by any means possible.
So far so good, the procedure yesterday went well! I got enough morphine to be comfortable so the dreaded pain wasn’t so bad at all, doctors and nurses were awesome and great at making us feel welcome, and a grand total of sixteen eggs were sucked out of me. So yay!
Once home the day turned less pleasant, when the meds wore off I was left with a horribly sore tummy and what’s worse – horrible nausea that stayed with me aaaaaaaall day. Not sure if that was due to yesterday’s procedure, or is a side effect of the hormone treatment that lead up to it.It was unpleasant either way and I hope today will be better!
Now we wait to see how it all went. Friday is the big day so I will likely be updating you then on any news. Until then I am going to try and stifle the nausea, forget the soreness, keep writing, keep working, and hope for the best.