I woke up in the darkness of night with a funny feeling. A funny wet feeling. SHIT, I thought, I’ve started bleeding.
So I hopped up to the bathroom to check. No blood. The wetness, I don’t know what that was, something clear/white. Perhaps remnants of the pills I shove up there three times a day, hormone stuff to make things uh, better? I really don’t know what it does. The clinic never really said. They just gave pills and said here, use these. And I’m a good girl who does as she is told, at least in this context.
My lower abdomen aches as it so often does right before I start menstruating.
I don’t think I’m pregnant this time either.
On a brighter note, remember the blade I mentioned buying? I held a little ceremony last night to symbolically tie it to myself, make it mine and only mine. Even beforehand I felt energy rising, and once it was time I was just in the right mindset.
It wasn’t dramatic. But it was beautiful. Even though I was a little clumsy in certain aspects of the procedure, it went well and left me with a feeling of calm certainty and strength.
It also made it clear to me how much I have to learn. Not through books and articles, but through doing. I learn the most there, at the shrine or during meditation and ritual. Not merely trial and error in a practical sense, but in a spiritual one too. Each experience allowing for a step forward. I am curious to see where it will lead.
Six eggs they took out of me on monday.
Three managed to get fertilized.
One got put back inside me.
It is time for the devastating waiting game again. June 11th is when I am to take a pregnancy test. Time again to try and not get my hopes up, while not succumbing to hopelessness. It’s not easy, it really is not easy. I cried like a baby today, so certain that it would not work. Somehow my mood lifted a little when seeing the little blob through a microscope, seeing it still alive. I’ll try not to cry any more now, it does no one any good. One might be enough.
Yesterday I spread my legs before a team of medical professionals and in a haze of morphine had a big needle stuck inside me. Six eggs they managed to suck out of me.
If all looks good they’ll be putting a fertilized egg back in already tomorrow afternoon.
Dare I hope this time?
But you are also flesh
Of Earth born
I am always by your side
Why oh why does pretty much every early symptom of pregnancy have to likewise be a symptom of an incoming period? This uncertainty is hell!
It is six days since I got the little blastocyst, the embryo-to-be, put back inside me. If it didn’t work I should be having my period any time now. The clinic has told us to wait almost two weeks longer before testing, so as a good girl I wait.
My tummy hurts. Not a lot, just a bit. Incoming period cramps, it feels like. But it can just as well be an early sign of pregnancy. Still no blood but every five minutes I feel the urge to go to the bathroom, just to check. I am bloated and sore, but again – it can both be a symptom of pregnancy or an incoming period. My mood is completely bonkers and I just want to cry, but that’s probably just due to the stressful situation, the waiting and constant worrying.
This uncertain waiting is far worse than I imagined.
For the first time ever I have taken up yoga for real.
“For real”, yes that sounds terrible. But what I mean of course is taking an actual class with an actual teacher, rather than just doing it by myself and having no clue whatsoever if what I do is right or wrong.
I signed up for a beginners’ class of ashtanga yoga and boy am I glad I did. While I found none of the positions difficult (well, my flexibility could have been better, I’ll admit) , my body is in such lousy shape that I am not yet able to actually stay in those positions for more than a short moment. Then my muscles start trembling, and then shaking, and then cramping.
The foot cramp was the worst in today’s class, and lasted all throughout the standing asanas. My feet cramped, ached so badly that I could barely stand.
However bad my physical condition is at the moment, the experience was magnificent. From the moment I walked into the warm and sparsely decorated room to the moment of leaving I was as in another state of being. A meditative state where I was all there, all present, yet at the same time in the beyond. It wasn’t on purpose and I had not expected it, nor was it brought on by the teacher – who said next to nothing about the meditative aspect of yoga.
This has not happened when I have fumbled around with yoga-like exercises on my own, so I am quite in awe. It felt as though I had come home.
Now to hope that the muscles in my feet accept the practice and stop cramping, because &%#&#! That hurt!