Wandering

Again I have been silent. No, I haven’t forgotten about you all, I have merely retreated for a bit to take care of myself. Times are rough, emotionally. But I’m hanging in there, so don’t worry. I’ll climb back out of the hole again. Hopefully with some fresh insights after lessons learned, but for now I’d settle for just being able to go through a day without chest pains and tears.

 

I’ll be alright.

 

My greatest sadness is the strain it all puts on my beloved husband. I so wish I could be a normal, happy, rock steady wife for him, but instead I am this. That is what hurts the most. It is worse than all the rest, and it is not rare for me to think those horrid thoughts – that he would be better off without me.

 

But, there are also still moments of joy. It’s in the scent and warmth of my husband as I hold him close. It’s in the deeply satisfying realization that I’ve learned something new. It’s in being able to help a friend, and put a smile on another’s face.

 

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If you are lost in the woods, who would you rather have guide you? One who has never been in those woods themselves, only seen it from the outside, or one who has walked the paths herself, and found the way out? Or perhaps even she who has made the woods her home. No longer lost, but safe and happy right where she is? I don’t know, I am still wandering.

 

 

 

Amputated (Dream)

 

You can’t do that! I cry out in fear,

watching the woman laid bare on the bed.

A blade presses gently against her arm, 

trailing an invisible line across her skin. 

And then once more further down, 

across the thigh above the knee.

It is diseased, you say. 

All between the lines you see.

There is no other way. 

 

I cry, I fear, I panic and think

that woman will die.

For how could she not?

 

You listen not to me.

Your hand is steady, 

you cut and reshape

the flesh that remains. 

 

It is with great relief I see

the woman stand

alive and free of pain,

free of all that was. 

So much, cut away, 

she’s now no taller than a child

but still alive.

 

Yes, I see her walking.

Through painful loss,

and frightful aid,

a brand new life.

Tainted

 

The flame of Odin’s candle flickered, thrown back and forth as if in agony. I took a breath but found no air. I closed my eyes but found no solace. Guide me, I asked. Please, guide me.

The writhing flame only screamed.

Please, I asked. Please.

No.

Every twist of the sacred flame charred my intentions. Please, I cried.

No.

Not when word of self loathing mark your body. Why would I speak to one who is worthless, one who is no one? 

The flame crackled and twisted around its own self as I reached for my blade. My hands were steady even as my heart trembled. Sharp, so very sharp, against skin.

Words of self loathing, I scraped them off. Words of self degradation, removed from my flesh.

When not a trace of shame remained, the flame grew silent.

Such words are not easily erased. The naked eye might not see the hateful lines, but still they are there. 

He did not speak to me. No booming voice nor gentle whisper. Only agony.

Do not approach me so tainted. 

 

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Thank you

Sorry for today’s earlier outburst. It’s been a bad day, mood-wise. A nasty cold in combination with anxiety, and having the husband out of town. Still not doing great, but it’s a little bit better now. Thank you all who left me encouraging comments and hugs in that last post, you have no idea how much it means to hear such when stuck in a low point!

In an attempt to stifle the bad mood I went outside, cold and all, and picked some raspberries. There is something calming about picking berries, just… one at a time, one at a time, one at a time. I then whipped up a combined apple-raspberry jam using our own apples – we only have a few as the tree still is very young, so not talking a bit cooking project here, the whole thing took like 20 minutes. 30 maybe. Tasty result, but I was still a mess. A tired mess too, constantly sneezing and coughing (sshhh, don’t think about how hygienic it ISN’T to make jam while sick, I just had to do something!), so I laid down, and slept. For hours and hours, pretty much all afternoon.

 

When I finally woke up, I came to do something I’ve not done in months. I actually logged on to Guild Wars 2 to do a bit of roleplay. However huge rp has been in my life the past few years, at the moment all of that is gone. I just don’t dare get involved, for fear of disappointing people, and so I’ve stayed away. Until tonight, when I gave it a little try at least.

 

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It was good, it really was. Simple, nothing special, no pressure, just casual RP. I think that might have been exactly what I needed today, to finally calm down.

 

There is no real point to this blog post, and I apologize for the lack of worthwhile content. But, that’s how it is today. Tomorrow is another day, I will try to be better then.

Delete?

Getting the urge to delete this blog. Because it’s crappy. Because who cares what I think? Because a person who speaks up is likely to get metaphorically punched in the nose. Because it hurts when people misunderstand what I am trying to say. Because I am terrified of being mocked by trolls. Because I don’t fucking matter and my words will be remembered by no one. Because right now, all I want to do is cry.

 

I could really use a hug right now.

Busy busy, no time to waste!

I have had a number of blog posts almost written this last week. One about the most marvelous wild raspberry jam I made, and one about a this year’s disastrous blackcurrant jelly (it didn’t set, so basically I have lots of sweet blackcurrant sauce). And a couple of cat posts for Katzenworld!

But alas, I have been unable to write properly since I got back from the Netherlands. The reason is no great unknown –  next week is Medieval Week in Visby and I am busy sewing. While navigating a chaotic world of panic and anxiety, as I’m still not really recovered since my last downfall. So basically my days at the moment look something like… this:

Breakfast -> short burst of sewing -> mini panic attack -> short burst of sewing ->anxiety attack -> short burst of sewing -> go outside to pick some berries in attempt at not panicking again -> panic anyway -> collapse, feeling like I just ran a marathon.

 

Yeeah, it’s not great! But it’ll be alright. I’m so far pleased with how the sewing project is coming along, and I think I’ll manage to finish it before Visby. (It’s that or go nekkid! I can’t fit in my old clothes at the moment. *sadface* )

 

So now, blogging will have to wait. Or well, I did manage this little update! That’s a success, I believe. Now I need to get back to sewing, wish me luck!