Guess what I did throughout my hospital stay? I painted almost constantly, only stopping to charge the laptop (cords weren’t allowed in the ward, d’oh). After some consideration I decided to show the result to you – though at the last minute I slapped a freshly designed watermark on it. It should perhaps cover even more but goshdamnit, you wouldn’t see much of what I’m trying to show you then!
This is Dam, made this weekend.
And here is Emperess, the first piece I drew once back home from the hospital.
PLEASE don’t upload anywhere without my permission. But I hope you like them!
As dark as the last few months have been, one thing I must admit has been amazing. In the span of a few weeks I apparently taught myself how draw! The development started happening when I set my mind to drawing the Gods I honour – pretty much from one day to another my technical skill just doubled then. Don’t ask me how, because I truly don’t know. Perhaps the will to show Them as good as I could manage pushed me to try harder. Regardless, I thank Them with all my heart for Their guidance. Now, I dare call my drawings “art”.
The Deity images? I’ll show you them another time! This will have to be enough for now.
Hugs to all of you who wrote me supportive comments during this trying weekend, you have no idea how much that meant to me. THANK YOU! ❤
How odd it is. Getting out of bed, and getting on a bus, going to work on a regular day, frightens me more than a haphazard trip to the other side of the world.
Let me face an angry bear and a pack of wolves, it would be a relief compared to the deadly sting of everyday life.
Forgive me for being absent from here. I am not gone, merely busy working through the pain of anxiety and depression.
And speaking of anxiety, time’s up. Time for work.
Again I have been silent. No, I haven’t forgotten about you all, I have merely retreated for a bit to take care of myself. Times are rough, emotionally. But I’m hanging in there, so don’t worry. I’ll climb back out of the hole again. Hopefully with some fresh insights after lessons learned, but for now I’d settle for just being able to go through a day without chest pains and tears.
I’ll be alright.
My greatest sadness is the strain it all puts on my beloved husband. I so wish I could be a normal, happy, rock steady wife for him, but instead I am this. That is what hurts the most. It is worse than all the rest, and it is not rare for me to think those horrid thoughts – that he would be better off without me.
But, there are also still moments of joy. It’s in the scent and warmth of my husband as I hold him close. It’s in the deeply satisfying realization that I’ve learned something new. It’s in being able to help a friend, and put a smile on another’s face.
If you are lost in the woods, who would you rather have guide you? One who has never been in those woods themselves, only seen it from the outside, or one who has walked the paths herself, and found the way out? Or perhaps even she who has made the woods her home. No longer lost, but safe and happy right where she is? I don’t know, I am still wandering.
You can’t do that! I cry out in fear,
watching the woman laid bare on the bed.
A blade presses gently against her arm,
trailing an invisible line across her skin.
And then once more further down,
across the thigh above the knee.
It is diseased, you say.
All between the lines you see.
There is no other way.
I cry, I fear, I panic and think
that woman will die.
For how could she not?
You listen not to me.
Your hand is steady,
you cut and reshape
the flesh that remains.
It is with great relief I see
the woman stand
alive and free of pain,
free of all that was.
So much, cut away,
she’s now no taller than a child
but still alive.
Yes, I see her walking.
Through painful loss,
and frightful aid,
a brand new life.
I am awake.
How long I have slept, I can’t tell.
Rising from bed I come to face a mirror.
Tracks across my bare skin, I see them there.
Footprints, paw prints, bird prints,
prints of unknown beasts.
With a careful finger I follow the tracks,
trying to make sense of what can not be.
More, there is more.
Pictures emerging, figures and faces,
beings of this world and the next.
I marvel at the sight.
Fading, they are fading quick.
Record them, photograph them,
commit them to memory
before they are gone.
The wilderness passes by at a slow pace, to the clop-clop-clop sound of hooves. It is not a horse I ride, not even a pony. Just a donkey, so small that my feet nearly touch the ground.
Clop-clop-clop-clop, on we go.
Something catches my eye beside the road, something moving between trees and bushes. A blurr of colour, orange or yellow, swiftly gone. To see it better I take the spyglass from my side and raise it to my eye, seeing through the tube a picture only somewhat clearer.
A tiger. Slowly stalking through the edge of the forest, slowly coming closer. I lower the glass, the animal has come close enough for me to clearly see it even without such tools. It has its eyes on me. It is coming.
Clop-clop-clop-clop I urge the donkey on along the road. We are too slow, all I can do is hope the attack never comes.