I am not doing great. It is Friday and I should be happy for the upcoming weekend, for the summer warmth and for the chance to simply hang out with my husband. To enjoy the garden, cuddle the cats, keep writing, keep working on that embroidery too that I’m so proud of.
Instead I just hurt. I cry. I do my job but without pleasure, with every minute stretching out to last an hour.
By necessity I am trying to face and accept the possibility that we won’t ever have a child. Wondering when to say stop, when to give up, when to decide that it won’t happen. But that acceptance does not come easy. The questions hover over me like a dark cloud, blocking out the sun.
I’m not doing great. It hurts, badly.
I woke up in the darkness of night with a funny feeling. A funny wet feeling. SHIT, I thought, I’ve started bleeding.
So I hopped up to the bathroom to check. No blood. The wetness, I don’t know what that was, something clear/white. Perhaps remnants of the pills I shove up there three times a day, hormone stuff to make things uh, better? I really don’t know what it does. The clinic never really said. They just gave pills and said here, use these. And I’m a good girl who does as she is told, at least in this context.
My lower abdomen aches as it so often does right before I start menstruating.
I don’t think I’m pregnant this time either.
On a brighter note, remember the blade I mentioned buying? I held a little ceremony last night to symbolically tie it to myself, make it mine and only mine. Even beforehand I felt energy rising, and once it was time I was just in the right mindset.
It wasn’t dramatic. But it was beautiful. Even though I was a little clumsy in certain aspects of the procedure, it went well and left me with a feeling of calm certainty and strength.
It also made it clear to me how much I have to learn. Not through books and articles, but through doing. I learn the most there, at the shrine or during meditation and ritual. Not merely trial and error in a practical sense, but in a spiritual one too. Each experience allowing for a step forward. I am curious to see where it will lead.
Six eggs they took out of me on monday.
Three managed to get fertilized.
One got put back inside me.
It is time for the devastating waiting game again. June 11th is when I am to take a pregnancy test. Time again to try and not get my hopes up, while not succumbing to hopelessness. It’s not easy, it really is not easy. I cried like a baby today, so certain that it would not work. Somehow my mood lifted a little when seeing the little blob through a microscope, seeing it still alive. I’ll try not to cry any more now, it does no one any good. One might be enough.
I am so glad I’m not afraid of needles.
Today the IVF process started over with daily shots administered by yours truly. Hopefully this second time around will work better on all levels. I am starting on a higher dose of the hormones which hopefully will mean it won’t take quite as long to get the eggs ready, which in turn hopefully will mean better quality eggs and no overstimulation. Last time was PAINFUL and I spent days just sitting around at the hospital, being checked on every few hours. But that was last time, this time will be better! Fingers crossed, ta i trä.
These last few days have been emotionally rough. Very rough even. A fun combo of pms followed by intense period cramps and IVF related anxiety, wehey. Not good. I’ve even been sleeping badly, which for me is super unusual – even through my worst times of depression I’ve usually been able to sleep! But these past few days everything has been off.
Right now? I’m a bit fuzzy. That’s the painkillers work. Period cramps are always terrible for me and even light painkillers make my mind a bit… fuzzy. Tired. And well, any pills that are actually strong enough to kill the pain are also strong enough to put me to sleep. Working during the worst crampy days have in other words never really worked, as I am either shaking of pain or asleep. Now I hoped yesterday was the worst day but this morning is starting badly. As I am writing this I’m laying down on a couch and constantly wriggling my legs and hips – somehow the motion helps handling the pain.
Oh hey, this post was supposed to be about the IVF start, not about period cramps! So I better stop there. I promise I’ll get back to you on the cramps topic though! Because that is just so much fun. ^^ Isn’t it?
I better stop now. Wish me luck!
Blood. I’m bleeding. I hurt, am torn apart.
Mind and body, torn apart.
I search for meaning,
meaning beyond hope.
Am I meant to be crushed?
Am I meant to accept that
life is not for me?
For two days now a blackbird has caught my eye. Not accidentally, I assure you, it has quite worked for that attention. Hopping around on the roof, flapping around the windows, sitting on the window cross, knocking on the window and peering inside. It’s a female, dark brown in colour, big and healthy looking.
For two days now I have also been overwhelmed by pregnancy symptoms. Mild belly ache, constantly queasy, I am bloated and having zero urge to eat. That last bit might not sound like much but to me it is a huge deal. I have an eating addiction and normally I always want to eat. It’s no exaggeration, I always want to eat and every moment that I don’t is the result of a conscious effort to stop myself. But not now, amazingly.
It could all just be side effects of the hormone treatment, so I still mustn’t get my hopes up. Which is easier said than done, I assure you.
Let’s hope the blackbird is a bringer of good news.
Why oh why does pretty much every early symptom of pregnancy have to likewise be a symptom of an incoming period? This uncertainty is hell!
It is six days since I got the little blastocyst, the embryo-to-be, put back inside me. If it didn’t work I should be having my period any time now. The clinic has told us to wait almost two weeks longer before testing, so as a good girl I wait.
My tummy hurts. Not a lot, just a bit. Incoming period cramps, it feels like. But it can just as well be an early sign of pregnancy. Still no blood but every five minutes I feel the urge to go to the bathroom, just to check. I am bloated and sore, but again – it can both be a symptom of pregnancy or an incoming period. My mood is completely bonkers and I just want to cry, but that’s probably just due to the stressful situation, the waiting and constant worrying.
This uncertain waiting is far worse than I imagined.