Still here, still waiting

I woke up in the darkness of night with a funny feeling. A funny wet feeling. SHIT, I thought, I’ve started bleeding.

So I hopped up to the bathroom to check. No blood. The wetness, I don’t know what that was, something clear/white. Perhaps remnants of the pills I shove up there three times a day, hormone stuff to make things uh, better? I really don’t know what it does. The clinic never really said. They just gave pills and said here, use these. And I’m a good girl who does as she is told, at least in this context.

My lower abdomen aches as it so often does right before I start menstruating.

I don’t think I’m pregnant this time either.

 

 

On a brighter note, remember the blade I mentioned buying? I held a little ceremony last night to symbolically tie it to myself, make it mine and only mine. Even beforehand I felt energy rising, and once it was time I was just in the right mindset.

It wasn’t dramatic. But it was beautiful. Even though I was a little clumsy in certain aspects of the procedure, it went well and left me with a feeling of calm certainty and strength.

It also made it clear to me how much I have to learn. Not through books and articles, but through doing. I learn the most there, at the shrine or during meditation and ritual. Not merely trial and error in a practical sense, but in a spiritual one too. Each experience allowing for a step forward. I  am curious to see where it will lead.

Acquiring a knife

I have known for several years that I have wanted to get a knife. A ritual knife, to be exact. Oh, and if you just stumbled onto this blog without knowing anything about me, let me just calm any potential concerns with a clarification. The knife is absolutely not for harming or threatening people or animals. I have wanted one for ritual use, that is mostly symbolic, and potentially practical use in the sense of perhaps cutting herbs. Nothing sinister, don’t you worry.

With that said, back on track! I’ve wanted a knife. I know a lot of pagans use ritual blades that are purely symbolic, that don’t actually have a sharp edge, but this never felt right for me; I wanted one that was real. And I wanted one that felt just right, picked out by me and used only by me. Not a regular family tool but my own blade.

A couple of weeks ago I finally found what I had been looking for all these years. It was instant love.  I mean, look at it! (I ordered it from BlackBeardShop on etsy, if you are curious you should definitely go check them out. )

 

 

I ordered another type of knife for my darling husband, but since that’s his alone I’ll not be showing off those pictures here. But if you are curious, check the one called Kingsman in the BlackBeardShop.

 

So, now I have my knife. Finally! I could not be happier with it. I just wanted to share that with you all, there’s really nothing more to say at the moment. So for now, toodles!